May 15, 2018

I’m screaming into a vaccum.  

Never have I been one to be okay with not being in control. Making changes and taking opportunities puts you in a place where you are waiting on others to decide for you. It is nearly intolerable. The only solace is the expectation that something great, greater than you could have done on your, will come from this. Somehow though, it is almost worse knowing that you have control. 

Do you ever feel like your progress is nothing more than dumb luck? That the obsessive effort, sleepless nights, near breakdowns, and overwhelming work loads are something that you somehow conjured. The results would have always been the same, you just made the path harder on yourself? I look at where I am at and wonder if it is possible that  I did  this. Did I actually accomplish something? Or, did I just make my own life so hard that getting here felt like a marathon? 

The circles I go in are digging moats in my mind. 

More than anything, I worry that this is truly the result of my hard work and dedication. Then, if I were to fail in the future, I would be the one throwing away everything that I have done. It is apparent that if I have the ability to build myself up this far, I have the ability to tear it down. I have the ability to completely level everything I have made. Not only that, but dismantling my life would be so much easier than it was putting it together.  

Weather the Weather

weather

[weth-er]

to bear up against and come safely through (a storm, danger, trouble,etc.)

Slowly reciting incantations in our childhood home. Wishes and dreams and spells and hexes. Creating a blockade again the storm inside. Boarding up the windows to reduce the breakage. Covering mirrors with sheets because the reflection is dangerous. Hiding underground is safe. Throwing open the doors and howling with the wind is deadly. Sickly, green sunlight only means more danger. Closing your eyes only means more conjecture. Craving the feel of raindrops on skin- Yet, exposure to the elements requires the ultimate offering. Sub-Consciousness and Reality hold each other tightly as the storm subsides. Never quite knowing which one will let go first. Scared of what may be lost or what may be forgotten. The wreckage is a necessary path to beginning again. Sorting through what you will have to live without and accepting what has been left until next time. 

Emotional

Yoga Sutra 2.10: The subtle states of the afflictions (Desire, Aversion & Fear) are destroyed with the dissolution of the mind. 

I would not say that I am the type to wear my emotions on my sleeve, but I definitely attract and cling to many emotions. I am an emotional lint-roller, perhaps. 

Emotions consume. They have needs and wants and they take what they require out of you an even a bit more to sustain themselves. When you place good feelings toward something, you want more and more of it. You grow in your desires and form a sense of greed. When you associate something with bad emotions, you shy away from it. It gets abandoned and you choose to starve yourself of it or even become scared of it.

In myself, I see a teeter-totter of emotional pull keeping me unsteady. I build attachments and expectations before I even experience. My view on the world is not naive, but more so child-like. Everything is colors and textures. I know what I want, but not always does the world feel or look like the ideas in my mind's eye. Emotional response is the only fall-back that makes immediate sense. From here, I am impulsive. This is a quality of an existence vested in the physical plane. A place where the body is an extension of the mind. 

True contentment comes from acknowledging the entire existence. Understanding the need to separate the body, mind and self; but also see them as the present. Contentment is being okay with what ever may. Not holding onto the things we can see or feel as if they are absolute. Contentment opens the door for experience. 

Right and Wrong

Today I had a random thought. (What is new?) I was thinking things that we classify as right and wrong. For the longest time, I have tried not to think of anything as right or wrong. Yet, fundamentally, I feel as if there is a distinction that must be addressed.

***As a disclaimer, I do not feel as if I have the authority to place my morals on another and declare their actions as falling into one category or another.***

There is definitely cause and there is definitely effect. Every action that is made has an effect. As we set intentions for the day, or even in a moment, our actions forward must coincide with that intention or else the desired effect will not be met. To that distinction, there is a value that is put on the actions we make. If it does not match the intention that we have set, then it is not the correct action. Likewise, if it does fall in line, then it is correct. Here, we have right and wrong. 

These values are set by ourselves. They are not meant to be judgments toward one another. They are meant to be evaluations of our actions in accordance with the standards we have set. 

Just something I was thinking about. Anyway. How are you?