May 24, 2018

There is a lot going on in my life. There is always a lot and that is typically how I like it. But this is different from the usual. This is an avalanche and I am packed under the settled snow. 

My body is in survival-mode. I can’t feel pain or exhaustion. I also cannot move. Not even an inch.  There is a darkness that does not go away. Really, the only thing I feel is the intense fear that comes with a rush of adrenaline. My fight or flight response is on with flashing lights. There is an overwhelming need to get up and just run until my lungs explode. Until my heart stops and my vision goes grey. Until there is nothing left and I fall off of the edge of nowhere. 

When I cannot run, I get ready for the fight. I pull into myself. I am nothing my skin and teeth and nails. I am efficient. Observant. The anticipation is more than a need to get it over. It is more of a craving for contact. I know pain is coming and that I am surrounded and all I have to do is make contact to make it stop. 

Built Environment

Endlessly looking at the lines in my hands. Working to conjure an answer. You aren't born knowing what to do when you are not okay. Where do you go when you need space to scream to? How do you problem solve when the problem is your mind and it is telling you that your efforts are wasted? Prayer only works if there is reception and you are in airplane mode. Stuck inside a disconnect of your design and unable to opt out. 

And the worst part is that it is not all bad here. It is familiar. The closest thing to home when home is filled to the ceiling with expectations and there is not room for you. There are no expectations for you because you are not needed or wanted or even acknowledged. So, you stay in the room you built yourself. Surrounded by walls so large you feel as if they are falling in on you and you are falling into them at the same time. Implosions have opened caverns in the floor and you have to watch your step in case it all falls in. And you know that there is a ceiling. You know it is there, but it is so high up that you cannot see where its edges hold everything together and even looking for it makes you feel as if you have fallen into a dry well. 

I've never had an answer. 

May 15, 2018

I’m screaming into a vaccum.  

Never have I been one to be okay with not being in control. Making changes and taking opportunities puts you in a place where you are waiting on others to decide for you. It is nearly intolerable. The only solace is the expectation that something great, greater than you could have done on your, will come from this. Somehow though, it is almost worse knowing that you have control. 

Do you ever feel like your progress is nothing more than dumb luck? That the obsessive effort, sleepless nights, near breakdowns, and overwhelming work loads are something that you somehow conjured. The results would have always been the same, you just made the path harder on yourself? I look at where I am at and wonder if it is possible that  I did  this. Did I actually accomplish something? Or, did I just make my own life so hard that getting here felt like a marathon? 

The circles I go in are digging moats in my mind. 

More than anything, I worry that this is truly the result of my hard work and dedication. Then, if I were to fail in the future, I would be the one throwing away everything that I have done. It is apparent that if I have the ability to build myself up this far, I have the ability to tear it down. I have the ability to completely level everything I have made. Not only that, but dismantling my life would be so much easier than it was putting it together.  

New Year Update.

Hi friends,

Now that 2018 is in full swing, I will be as well. 

The end of 2017 was exponentially more busy for myself than I had expected. This prompted me to take a winter break to get my ducks in a row before adding more onto my plate. Unexpectedly, 2018 has so far been just as busy, if not more so. Now that I have been able to get a couple weeks of a new school semester, work environment, and daily routine under my belt, I feel as if I am ready to start back on my own projects. Of course, I am mostly talking about the Solitude podcast! I already have a few episodes written and need to record. I will be putting out weekly episodes again starting the first full week of February. You can find the episodes here on the site or on the Facebook page once they are available. If you are subscribed on iTunes or Stitcher, you will receive a download as soon as they are released! 

Outside of the podcast, I have a few other projects that I plan to bring into the world before my life gets even busier later this year! I am very excited to share some of the things that I have been doing with everyone. This also means that the blog will be more active as I chronicle progress and daily anecdotes and ramblings. 

I greatly appreciate all of the support and interaction I receive from those that have been following thus far. Hopefully, 2018 is bring you motivation and opportunity to live your best life! 

Thank you,

Tatiana

Day off.

I have never been a person full of holiday cheer. This time of year puts me in a constant state of exhaustion. Between trying to avoid holiday shoppers and desperately looking for presents that don’t suck to give to my loved ones, by the time I get home, I have no energy for anything more than the occasional shower.  

Today, my normal 40hr work week was broken up by a last minute day off. It has thus far been a very productive day. I’ve done laundry, scrubbed my bathtub in anticipation for a possible bath tonight (I have a thing about it being completely spotless before I will take a bath... ), I got to visit and spend time with my family, and I think I finished shopping for Christmas 4 days ahead of my normal schedule. Also, outside of the things I was able to control today, the weather has been warm for December in Illinois. I hate cold weather, so this is a ‘plus’ for me despite global warming. 

It feels good to have gotten things done today. I’m in for the night and I’m going to treat myself to a bit of pampering. Maybe desert for dinner and, of course, a hot bath.

Things are not always able to stay in our control. These moments in which it almost seems like you have a handle on things might not come often. When it does, you have to remind yourself that when given the opportunity, you can pull it together and make things happen. Even the little things. 

Pacing

The pacing is finally feeling right. 

Taking on responsibilities that leave me feeling drained and overwhelmed is my character flaw. No matter where I am or what I am doing, I almost always find myself trying to do more. Of course, I am grateful for all of the experiences that I have had. Still, the feeling or burnout is something I experience more than anything else.

Earlier this year, I started a full-time job. The whole 8-5 deal. This was never something I saw myself doing. Spending 40 hours a week doing work for someone else was never in the life plan. Before, I was waiting tables, teaching yoga, babysitting and doing whatever else I could to pay the bills and keep my free time. This left me completely drained all the time. 

While it is a compromise, having a full-time gig has given me a new outlook on managing my time. Work is work, the rest of my time is for me. One-by-one, I've been letting go of commitments that are not helping me grow and taking on things that do. A steady income takes away a lot of stress. Instead of patch-working an income to support myself, I know that my 40 hour/week commitment takes care of that. Outside of that, I am very fortunate that I no longer have to work several jobs. Having a real schedule makes me prioritize my time. Instead of teaching yoga, I am working on immersing myself into my personal practice. My school studies are more specific and pointed toward what I want to do in the future. Every week, I am taking time out to enjoy my hobbies. The structure and freedom just feels so good right now. 

Time is always moving forward and I feel like I am getting in sync with that. 

Farsighted

One has to wonder if there is a difference between retreating and being a recluse. 

Thinking about it has me going in circles sometimes. 

Last night, I went to small singer/songwriter showcase in which two of the three acts were people I know and I really enjoy. Everyone knows every one in places like these. These situations are always difficult for me as there is no leaving a bit before everything is over so that you miss the crowd when your significant other is playing and you drove there together. Walking into the coffee shop was a mixture of a small scale high-school reunion and a gathering of old coworkers. The show was great and I got to have valuable time with people that I like being around. Still, afterwards, I felt like I had slammed eight Red Bulls after not sleeping for three days. Exhausted and trembling. 

The ritual of calming down and getting my mind quiet again took the rest of my energy for the night and I fell asleep shortly after getting home. Today, my throat is sore. Napping and writing are pretty much all I am up for. Time out gives an opportunity to see things closely and experience others. But the actual act of doing it wears at me in a way that nothing else does. I don't want to think that the world is too much for me. I don't want to seem as if I am running away. Maybe I am farsighted. It is all just easier to take in from a distance. 

September 23rd, 2017

Personally, things are settling down in a way that makes it easy to see that I have a lot of unfinished ends. Every now and then I feel as if I reach a point where I say, 'Now, will be where I start focusing on myself and focusing on the things that make me who I am.' Still, I never feel any closer to understanding what I am in this world. There is a feeling of being cut from a tether that accompanies these thoughts. As if a life-line has been detached and I am floating through space unable to build enough force to change my direction. There are so many things that I love that I don't feel any connection to. So many ideas in my head that are just going nowhere. Trying to figure out why I have this lack of motivation -or whatever it is- can be just as frustrating. 

 I feel as if I am surrounded by successful, talented people that are generally happy with their lives and that makes me wonder what I am doing wrong. But talking to anyone, it seems as if we are all feeling the same way. That gives me a little bit of hope to know that maybe everyone is trying to just figure it all out. 

Anxiety

My hands are shaking because that is what they do. I've never been steady. Always uneven and trembling. Holding in deep breaths to fill me up and hold me down. There is no single emotion prompting this physical manifestation. There, without purpose and acting as a hindrance. These earthquakes settle my bones and displace my thoughts. All of my fixtures uprooted, being fed into the churning of my revolving soul. Eyes searching wildly. Looking to be held. Looking to be held down. Looking to be put out. This slow burning fire finds fuel in fear. Growing, growing, until I'm gone. 

Standing Still.

You are rooted, strong. Able to withstand. All else in flux and you are the constant around which the world spins. Holding, in stone hands, the responsibility of being the control. Emotionless and unattached. Watching, with cold eyes, the ones around you stumbling into chance.

A landmark.

You are here. 

There is an overwhelming feeling of being stuck. Being lost in a crowd that I cannot fold into. Possibly over analyzing. More than that- What exactly am I doing?  Could there be a path that I am just not seeing? Or, is this exactly where I need to be? Could my feeling of fixture be a sudden feeling of stability? Regardless. This is where I am. I am here.