May 24, 2018

There is a lot going on in my life. There is always a lot and that is typically how I like it. But this is different from the usual. This is an avalanche and I am packed under the settled snow. 

My body is in survival-mode. I can’t feel pain or exhaustion. I also cannot move. Not even an inch.  There is a darkness that does not go away. Really, the only thing I feel is the intense fear that comes with a rush of adrenaline. My fight or flight response is on with flashing lights. There is an overwhelming need to get up and just run until my lungs explode. Until my heart stops and my vision goes grey. Until there is nothing left and I fall off of the edge of nowhere. 

When I cannot run, I get ready for the fight. I pull into myself. I am nothing my skin and teeth and nails. I am efficient. Observant. The anticipation is more than a need to get it over. It is more of a craving for contact. I know pain is coming and that I am surrounded and all I have to do is make contact to make it stop. 

May 15, 2018

I’m screaming into a vaccum.  

Never have I been one to be okay with not being in control. Making changes and taking opportunities puts you in a place where you are waiting on others to decide for you. It is nearly intolerable. The only solace is the expectation that something great, greater than you could have done on your, will come from this. Somehow though, it is almost worse knowing that you have control. 

Do you ever feel like your progress is nothing more than dumb luck? That the obsessive effort, sleepless nights, near breakdowns, and overwhelming work loads are something that you somehow conjured. The results would have always been the same, you just made the path harder on yourself? I look at where I am at and wonder if it is possible that  I did  this. Did I actually accomplish something? Or, did I just make my own life so hard that getting here felt like a marathon? 

The circles I go in are digging moats in my mind. 

More than anything, I worry that this is truly the result of my hard work and dedication. Then, if I were to fail in the future, I would be the one throwing away everything that I have done. It is apparent that if I have the ability to build myself up this far, I have the ability to tear it down. I have the ability to completely level everything I have made. Not only that, but dismantling my life would be so much easier than it was putting it together.