2014 Recap!

I know my readership is still small. With hopes of it growing as I grow, I want to catch everyone up on my last year. 

2014 was a pivotal year for myself. There were so many goals that I set in front of myself. With a realistic approach and self-confidence, I was able to accomplish them all. 

Now, this is not to say that my self-confidence was not unwavering. There were so many times where I faced utter uncertainty towards my decisions. Yet, I can say for sure- I gambled on myself 4 times out of 5. That is big for me. It is HUGE. For the first time in my 'adult' life, I felt like things were falling into place. Like I had a semblance of a handle on my life. 

I ended 2013 working 60-75 hours a week between three different jobs while going to school full-time. I was running on fumes all the way through the 2014 New Year and I felt myself being spread thin. Between constant sinus infections, daily migraines and tummy issues, I knew my body was really paying the price as well. This was no good. At this time. I was also teaching group fitness classes and studying (going crazy) to become a personal trainer. I needed to keep my body and mind healthy if I wanted to help others.

At the beginning of the year, I took my first steps in betting on myself. First- I quit my full-time job. It was a good job and the bulk of my income. But, I needed to put my focuses on school. This meant a second job waiting tables. Fast-paced was definitely my pace, so I enjoyed the change. I was the awkwardly enthusiastic new girl when I started in early 2014. This was able to support me until I received my personal training certification and starting building an income from that. I did not leave my serving jobs until other things started to take place. I hit my goal as far as active clients and took on another role as a yoga instructor. All of the crazy hours and long days paid off. I was now working in jobs that I actually loved. It makes such a difference when you are doing something you love. The money almost does not matter- though it is necessary to survive. Helping others reach their goals really helped me reach mine.

After finding out that my school was no longer going to continue their women's cross country team, I was pretty upset. This was the biggest motivator in me joining this university. So, I started running local runs instead. First, I joined the intercollegiate 5K team through school. This really immersed me into a different side of running. Local races were so much more light-hearted and communal. I was able to just enjoy myself. Of course, my competitive nature always got the best of me. At the 2014 Peoria Run River City 5K, I ran right through the finish line and was carted over to the medic station because I ran the last mile in the throws of an asthma attack. They sent me my 2nd place medal in the mail.  I also started a running group at the gym I teach at. The women in the group ran the Women's Distance Festival with me and then we took a trip to the farmer's market! Being able to share my passions with others really boosted my own motivation. This really helped me later. There was a part of the summer that I could not keep my asthma under control like I had hoped. This was a scary and frustrating time for me. After a serious visit to the emergency room, I had to really cut back on my physical activity. This meant cutting back on my running. Once I was better (maybe a little bit before I was 100%) I got back into it and was able to get first place in two different races! Not only did I get back into running, but I finally enrolled myself into a 200-hr teacher training program for yoga instructors. I was already teaching. But I, myself was completely self taught. I wanted to have the opportunity to learn from a more classical approach about the many other aspects of yoga one can miss out on. This is ongoing and already serving such a great benefit in my life. I was able to pursue my passions full force because it is on my own terms. 

I was becoming the healthy, spiritual individual that I wanted to be. Yet, the combination of my turbulent emotions and being in a relationship that was not meant to last as long as it did did not allow me to reach a happy medium. We all have been there, holding on to grudges and harboring bad feelings because you think that you can fix something, anything. That was my issue. I was hoping to feel better about myself if I could fix my relationship. Soon, but maybe not soon enough, I realized that you cannot just chose who you are going to mesh well with. We as a society have a very shallow concept of what love can be. You put on relationship goggles and suddenly the world is half-full of unrealistic expectations. You settle for that person that buys you a box of chocolates and then eats all but two and tell yourself that you should be happy that someone spent money on you in the first place. That is not love ladies and gents. There were days where I would wake up and think, I deserve a whole box of chocolates. Everyone does- and that became my campaign for the 2014 vote that I should probably be single. At least for a little. Like every sickening sweet romantic comedy, I was in love with my best friend. The days that I was single were the hardest because, of course, he was right there to do all the best-friend/post-breakup duties. And of-fucking-course we had a best friend camping trip planned for the last few months that was taking place the upcoming weekend. Needless to say, I went for it. It was my turn to bet on myself again. Life can be funny and terrifying. But you realize that things work out. 

2014, I embraced my life. I started my dream job(s). I got what I wanted. I learned a lot (like that you need oil changes more often than every two years). I've gotten closer with my family. I ate bread. I even climbed a literal and figurative mountain with my best friend and other. I became the blade of grass that can withstand the wind. The truth is, there are always situations in motion. You will never be able to control that until it envelopes you. Then you have to decide whether you can whether the weather. You have to bet on your strength and stick it out. We all see ourselves like the blade of grass because of our weaknesses. We need to also embrace the strength to not only handle whatever comes our way, but bounce back.

Resolutions

This is horribly cliche and over done, but I am a planner and a list maker, so I cannot resist. 

I have my sights set on making next year even more amazing than 2014 has been. This year has had a bit of everything, like a bittersweet potpourri. I received my certification to be a personal trainer. I became a yoga instructor. I've become closer to my family than ever. I started dating my best friend. Everything has just fallen into place this year. My jigsaw puzzle of a life is starting to make a pretty picture. Now, with a new year approaching, I want to start taking a direction.

Without further ado, here is my New Year's Resolution list!

1. Learn to play an instrument. I have a guitar and keyboard, but I am very limited in the ability department. But hey, practice makes perfect. 

2. Cut back on caffeine. Oh boy. Anyone that knows me knows that I have a coffee addiction. I want to start relying on my natural energy to keep me 'on' during the day. 

3. Start becoming more self-reliant! This is more than just a personality trait. I want to be able to make my own food, fix things and even make clothes and household items. 

4. Minimize. Over the last year, this has become something that has grown in importance to me. It is very important that I detach myself from physical items. Having stuff for the sake of having it is not a healthy way to live. It is important that I can just be content in having me. 

5. Take more time for myself. We all have been here. Going 1,000 miles per minute and never taking the time to really focus on ourselves. 

6. Go places. As I write this I am planning to spend the last days of the year adventuring. I want 2015 to be filled with new places and people. I want to see as much as I can. 

7. Spend more time with the people that I love.  This is parallel with taking more time for myself. I want to spend more time with the people that make me, me. 

8. Save money. This has definitely been a challenging year in the finance department. It seems like very time I turn around, there is another fluke situation that calls for me to empty my savings account. Hopefully between minimizing my lifestyle and making this one of my priorities, I will be able to keep more of my money in the bank.

9. Take pictures. I used to be more passionate about photography. With the hustle and bustle of life, I have not taken the time to do the things I loved to do. Photography is one of them. 

10. Reach out to others. We all have something to offer the world. Something to bring to the table. I want to keep putting myself out there. This website was a step to start reaching out to other people. I am not going to just stop here though. I want to actively pursue helping others in any way I can. 

Balancing Act

When thinking about anything in excess, it becomes strange and foreign to me. Maybe it is the complexity that I am adding to it or maybe it is because I am trying to name something that is nameless.

So humor me. 

Lately, I have been making a conscious effort to acknowledge the on-goings of my mind and body. At any given moment, I can be here or there. Up, down, pained or comfortable. The goal is not to find out where I am or how I feel to correct it, but more so to accept it. Every mind and body operates on a spectrum. There is no good or bad, just where you are. Lower than that is your low. Likewise, higher than that is your high. 

My parents love this story-

For example, this Fall I bit the bullet and decided to take swim lessons. Anyone that knows me knows that I stay active. Yet, swimming has never been a strength of mine. If I ever want to conquer a triathlon, I need to swim. So I did it. I signed up at the Y and did 8 weeks of lessons. To my surprise, I was a natural. I have the strength and endurance to really make waves- ha ha. My only issue was that I cannot stay above the water without flippers. When I practiced my front and back floats, I always rested about an inch or two under the water. This was a bit discouraging to me. I did not want to need flippers to swim laps. I wanted to do it on my own. When talking to the swim instructor about this and trying to find ways that I can remedy this so that I can one day ditch the flippers- she told me something that really stuck to me. Due to my body type (I am slender, but dense due to my muscle build) I might not ever just float on the water like most. It was just the way my body was designed. Personally, I just float a little bit below the water. This is not good or bad, just where I am. Because of this, I am going to need the help of flippers to keep me up while swimming and that is just how it is. 

When thinking about this more. I started applying this to my emotional disposition. Ever since childhood, I have always been a little more melancholy than the other kids. A little more grey. As I grew up, there became more of a push to put titles on the way I felt and work to 'fix' it. It has been a constant struggle to always smile and laugh when I am supposed to. I became that person that is always in a ridiculously great mood for no reason. While this is not a bad thing, it was not how I always felt. There were some days where it was harder to uphold this standard than others. Instead of just looking at how I felt and accepting it, I would beat myself up for not feeling happy. I would devalue my own issues or feelings because I really thought it was wrong to have a bad day. When in reality, I just float a little bit more below the surface than others.

It takes a lot to see your feelings and just take them for what they are. We have to take our pain, discomfort and sorrow with the same amount of acceptance as we take our pleasure, comfort and joy. To have one, we must have the other to stay balanced. While it is never wrong to try and get ourselves to a plane that feels more comfortable. (i.e. If you are unhappy and want a pick-me-up or smile even though you are having a bad day), we have to acknowledge and accept that our feelings are real. It is a great tool to be able to analyze what you are feeling and where those feelings are really coming from. Once we are able to identify with ourselves, not only can we guide ourselves to better health, but we can help guide others. 

Anyways, those are just some thoughts for today. Especially with the impending holiday stress. Happy Holidays everyone! 

Breathing

The breath is such a strange thing.

Breath in.

Fill the lungs. Take in life. Take in the air around you.

Breath out.

Cleanse the body. Let go. Fill the space around you. 

Breathing is so automatic that I almost forget that it is a working system in my body. It is almost as if it can detach itself from the mind without permission. Yet, the breath and the mind work together seamlessly. Loyal and consistent. 

Lately I have felt out of touch with my natural rhythm. I have felt out of sync and run down.  There is no doubt in my mind that the things that are disrupting my clarity are inhibiting my breath. This concept has been making more and more sense to me through studying the Koshas.

For one, my life is cluttered. Physically, more so than emotionally. I find myself being weighed down by stuff. Whether it is a closet full of clothes I don't wear or the obligations I am tied to to afford stuff in general. It all revolves around my need to own things. My need to possess. This is not a bad thing. It is okay to have things. Yet, for lack of a better term, I am a bit of a hoarder. I collect anything that resembles any memory for myself. This attachment keeps me focused on an external desire that brings me more stress than happiness. For this, I must continuously work on minimizing my consumption.  Not only that, but getting rid of the clutter I have that plays no role in my every day life. It is not healthy for the body to hold on to these things. 

Also, I feel like I am constantly battling my body when it comes to my own nutrition needs. It takes a lot to find a method that works for your own body. Mine for the last few years has been limiting my intake of gluten and dairy. It has proved to benefit me in many ways. I feel the vitality that comes with an efficient diet. This has been working for me for some time now, but my body is yet again demanding change from me. The body always knows what it wants and acts accordingly when it is lacking. While I ensure that I eat in a way that fuels my unique needs, I have been experiencing backlash with every thing I eat. Looking into this more, I feel like this resistance is more likely due to the build up of chemicals and toxins in my system from the foods I eat. Things like pesticides, GMOs, and processed foods can still be very harmful in small doses. Especially for those that make a point to stay away from these things. In order to reassess my needs, I plan on bringing myself back to a place where I am eating to nurture the body directly. I plan on fasting for a few days to clear my system and then do a juicing cleanse to detox. Of course, recipes will be posted in one place or another!

Now, it is back to building blocks for me. I need to calm the chaos in my physical life to bring calm to my breath, my vitality, my pranamaya kosha. 

Twelve-Fourteen-Fourteen

Draped in gloom, December reminds us that the year is near its end. 

Looking back, it has still been the absolute brightest. 

We run through life getting through obligations and meeting demands. This has been the first year that I feel like all the pieces have fallen into place. There is reason behind this constant running. Real reason. I no longer feel like I am on a treadmill. Putting in all the sweat and tears and still ending up in the same place. I am outside in the sun feeling the world burst under my feet. Each step, painful and freeing, has landed me a little farther than before. There is a path of progress behind me. Personal, emotional, medical, physical, overwhelming progress. 

Living the life you want to live takes retrospect. Seeing the difference between Then and Now, I am here.

I am living it. 

Hello There...

It has been a while since I have been virtually present. I needed a break from the digital world and some time to figure out my intentions. 

So here is the dealio. My brain is in a constant battle between what I can do for the world and what the world wants from me. I want to be something, somewhere, someone. 

But what does the world even need?

The only thing I could come up with was to just put it all out there. Maybe, just maybe, if I opened up my universe- there might be a small fragment that fits into yours. So, here I am. New website, new goals and new intentions.

First things first! Let me introduce myself. 

I am Tatiana. Every day for me is a journey in self-exploration. Currently, my sights are set on developing my path as a personal trainer, wellness coach and yoga instructor. There are so many factors that go into pursuing your dreams and having a healthy body and mind gives you the best chance at success. It is a life-long journey, but you know you are going in the right direction once you get on the path. My personal passions have gotten me this far and now I want to keep my focuses on helping others. 

Otherwise, I am your normal twenty-something college student. My life seems to change with seasons and I am just enjoying the view. This blog is my space to unload. We are bigger than ourselves and having it all cooped up in my brain is making me antsy. This is a project for me right now, so we will see how it goes!