When thinking about anything in excess, it becomes strange and foreign to me. Maybe it is the complexity that I am adding to it or maybe it is because I am trying to name something that is nameless.
So humor me.
Lately, I have been making a conscious effort to acknowledge the on-goings of my mind and body. At any given moment, I can be here or there. Up, down, pained or comfortable. The goal is not to find out where I am or how I feel to correct it, but more so to accept it. Every mind and body operates on a spectrum. There is no good or bad, just where you are. Lower than that is your low. Likewise, higher than that is your high.
My parents love this story-
For example, this Fall I bit the bullet and decided to take swim lessons. Anyone that knows me knows that I stay active. Yet, swimming has never been a strength of mine. If I ever want to conquer a triathlon, I need to swim. So I did it. I signed up at the Y and did 8 weeks of lessons. To my surprise, I was a natural. I have the strength and endurance to really make waves- ha ha. My only issue was that I cannot stay above the water without flippers. When I practiced my front and back floats, I always rested about an inch or two under the water. This was a bit discouraging to me. I did not want to need flippers to swim laps. I wanted to do it on my own. When talking to the swim instructor about this and trying to find ways that I can remedy this so that I can one day ditch the flippers- she told me something that really stuck to me. Due to my body type (I am slender, but dense due to my muscle build) I might not ever just float on the water like most. It was just the way my body was designed. Personally, I just float a little bit below the water. This is not good or bad, just where I am. Because of this, I am going to need the help of flippers to keep me up while swimming and that is just how it is.
When thinking about this more. I started applying this to my emotional disposition. Ever since childhood, I have always been a little more melancholy than the other kids. A little more grey. As I grew up, there became more of a push to put titles on the way I felt and work to 'fix' it. It has been a constant struggle to always smile and laugh when I am supposed to. I became that person that is always in a ridiculously great mood for no reason. While this is not a bad thing, it was not how I always felt. There were some days where it was harder to uphold this standard than others. Instead of just looking at how I felt and accepting it, I would beat myself up for not feeling happy. I would devalue my own issues or feelings because I really thought it was wrong to have a bad day. When in reality, I just float a little bit more below the surface than others.
It takes a lot to see your feelings and just take them for what they are. We have to take our pain, discomfort and sorrow with the same amount of acceptance as we take our pleasure, comfort and joy. To have one, we must have the other to stay balanced. While it is never wrong to try and get ourselves to a plane that feels more comfortable. (i.e. If you are unhappy and want a pick-me-up or smile even though you are having a bad day), we have to acknowledge and accept that our feelings are real. It is a great tool to be able to analyze what you are feeling and where those feelings are really coming from. Once we are able to identify with ourselves, not only can we guide ourselves to better health, but we can help guide others.
Anyways, those are just some thoughts for today. Especially with the impending holiday stress. Happy Holidays everyone!