At least once a week, I feel like I hit a wall. What am I doing? Why am I doing it? When do I have time? How does this effect my future? Who do I think I am? At least once a week I doubt every move I make, every task I take on and my own capabilities. I test myself with these five questions when I hit that point. For those few moments I feel a little bit worse about my position. Whether it is while I am at the cash register, buying hand-soap or finishing on-the-job training for a new job. I can somehow take something trivial and equate it to how I am going to ruin my life.
I am most-definitely a stress box.
If there was not a word for it, I would not be able to explain my obsessive anxiety. When I try and say that I am not hard on myself, by parents like to mention a time in the not-so-distant past. I had just received final grades for a college course and while sobbing uncontrollably to them on the phone, I had also solidified my decision to change majors and universities all together. I literally changed the trajectory of my college career over a 'C'. Average is not a place I allow myself to reside.
There are times where I can rationalize the immense pressure I put on myself. "If you didn't push yourself this hard, nobody would." Sometimes, this approach to life seems like the only option for me. My hours and days and weeks run together in a messy web of self-deprecation, sleep deprivation and stressful justification. There are days when I have a break. An hour or two that is all mine. Still, I'll devote it to taking on another task. I look at my own body being crushed under the pressure I put on it and think of my stress fractures as battle wounds. The only person I am fighting with is myself. During a day that is especially full of doubts and worry, the only question I refrain from asking myself is, "Is this worth it?" even though I know the answer.
Over the last 6 months or so, I have been letting this question come to the surface and stay a little longer than usual. Following a time of extreme mental and physical wear and tear, (I literally ran myself into emergency medical care on two separate occasions.) this question was here to stay. My family, my current significant other and a small part of myself were giving this question more buoyancy. Soon, I had to start answering it. The tasks I have been taking on and the things I have been allowing myself to obsess over have been slowly but surely starting to fall into categories of 'Worth It' and 'Not'. Allowing myself to let a bit of this extra weight fall off my shoulders has been helping me feel lighter. My interests and passions are more instilled in the things that lift me up. More of my time is dedicated to the things that keep me above the water.
This is something I felt like I needed to think about and share. Over the last few weeks especially (and now to find - the next year going forward) I have been (and will be) sacrificing more and more time to the things that add the pressure to not let my warrior-self down. While there are things that I cannot avoid in life and in my journey through this life, I can always take a little solace in knowing the worth of my stress.
Maybe another stressed soul out there has not asked themselves this question in a while also. So I just wanted to make sure I asked.
Whatever is weighing you down- Is it worth it?